Deep End // #DreamBig

Do you ever feel like the to-do list is literally endless?  I feel that way lately.  Life has literally been nonstop since my arrival to St. Louis.  I haven't even taken the time to organize my closet (except for color coordinating my clothes) since I've arrived in early August. The only reason this isn't bothering me is because I can hide it with the beautiful french doors that lead to it in my bedroom.

Times of transition leave me feeling out of breath, much like being in the deep end trying to find the shore.  The ocean waves are rough and every time they begin to calm down and I can float for a bit, another storm comes rushing in.  It's all a part of change, of starting new things and of adjusting to a new place to call temporary home.

On the bright side, I am starting to love St. Louis more and more.  I miss my friends and my family, I am making new ones, and am thinking of my past students a lot.  I miss teaching and I worry about the success of my previous students.  I hope they are doing their very best to have a successful academic year.  I hope they are making good decisions! There are so many things high school students need to hear regularly in order to feel and be successful.

One of my very best friends that I hold dear to my heart is starting her first year of teaching in my home state and she is teaching juniors in high school.  These students live in a community that is approximately 80% Hispanic and like many areas in this country, it is a community struggling with educational inequity.  She is grappling with the idea of her students succeeding and whether they will go to college.  Whether or not that is what they want to do, it should be a path that is realistic and achievable for them.  I know she has the power to do this, she is incredibly intelligent and inspirational, but she needs our help.  Ms. Winger wrote a blog post recently asking others to share insight for her students.  Insight that allows her students to dream, to reach for the stars, and that inspires them to realize that no goal of theirs is too big.  These students, although I have not met them and you have not met them need your words of courage.  Even if it is simple, please take a minute and consider writing them a letter, sending a card, or emailing myself or Ms. Winger directly.  They need you.

Please click here to find out more on how to help Ms. Winger's students #DreamBig.

Words of inspiration from Ms. Winger's classroom 

Thank you.

Unpacking // Nostalgia

I have always hated unpacking, okay who really likes doing this awful chore anyway (don't answer that)?  But really, I am the person who will literally take weeks before unpacking a suitcase.  Now, packing, I'm quite a champ at, but when it comes to unloading suitcases I need to be forced after three weeks of it sitting (just ask my roommates).  I have attempted to get into the habit of immediately unpacking within thirty minutes of arriving so that I am not putting it off like the slacker I am. Has not been entirely successful yet.

My procrastination when it comes to unpacking is probably why it did not surprise me one bit when I also put off to metaphorically unpack the emotions in my life.  If I reflect back on the past two years, a LOT has happened.  I am a completely different me than I was May of 2011.  One of my best friends pointed out to me that it's that time, time to unpack, partly because new chapters are unfolding in my life, risks are being taken, and he deserves someone who travels light.  Someone who has washed the crinkled up clothes that have been sitting there for entirely too long, maybe even throw some out because they have gone out of style.

So, here I am as I unpack the past two years of my life, with vulnerability and no hesitations.

Currently - I am relaxing at home, in the Rio Grande Valley, spending time with my family.  It is absolute bliss not having a care in the world (well, sort of).  I am taking time for myself, recharging, appreciating myself.  Current schedule: wake up, read, run errands (if any), gym, read, eat, repeat.  No regrets because I know it will be busy, busy, busy come August when school starts for me.

Louisiana - you can read more about my feelings about teaching here, but my time in Louisiana ended up being a true blessing.  I have a little cajun in my soul and I would not change the past two years of my life for anything.

Mon sha - the current man in my life.  He was unexpected, like I met you once and mindlessly flirted landing my friends and I with a little something extra.  As in, I went out with you thinking it would be a one time thing, a one week thing, a just-til-I-leave-in-May thing.  I am not sure about a lot of things with him, but he makes sense right now.  We are completely different, he likes black, I like white.  He prefers classic rock and roll to my favorite Jason Aldean country song.  I drink beer, he drinks....something else (ha!).  He is nothing like anyone I have ever met in Louisiana, and that might be my favorite part.  He's loyal, and kind, he's respectful, and means what he says.  He has strong opinions, but is always willing to listen to the opinion of others.  We are learning about each other, and I will keep y'all posted on how the test goes.

May 2011 - May 2012 - this was byfar the most difficult period in my life early twenties.  I not only transitioned out of college and into the "real world", which was extremely scary, but I also moved to a new state and started one of the most difficult and underrated jobs someone can have in our country.  I was dating someone pretty seriously at the time.  Let me define "pretty serious", I thought that we would be engaged by December 2013 and Married by the end of 2014 (wtf?! GTFO?! I know....).  Anyway, this person, although I was in love at the time, added a lot of good things to my life and I learned many things.  Among many things he taught me patience, to listen, to be selfless, and overall more sensitive to the needs of others.  However, instead of growing into a person I loved, sadly I closed off to others, especially my best friends.  Instead of becoming a better version of myself I began asking myself what I did wrong and how I could better myself for him, because he never made me feel good enough.  Frankly, I was never that attracted to him physically (but still blinded by love), though he was to me.  I could never "give" him what he needed, and though I tried and tried and tried, it never appeared to be enough.  I gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and really and truly I was drained.  Things about me that were never an issue at the start of the relationship turned into LIFE issues at the end of it.  Instead of giving the selfless support I needed when my life got so tough I almost  quit everything I had worked for and moved back to Texas, he sunk me down.  To this day it overwhelms my chest with anxiety to think of the person I had become.  I was not myself, I was not happy, I was not light and sunny, I felt heavy and drained at the same time.

I went through a period of pure abstinence from men/dating/love, I was enjoying being single and learning to be me by myself and loving who I had always been.  Somehow sometime between Seattle and the beginning of 2013 I learned to become lighter than I've ever been.  I opened up a side of me I never have before.  I did it with my students, so why shouldn't I do it in real life?  Things that used to bother me as much just didn't, I became more vulnerable and open to love and new things.  I told myself I would never again let a relationship get in the way of friendships, I would protect my heart, but without a fear to let others in.  It's a process in the making, just ask my best friends :)

Now, commitment is something I have to work through.  I'm talking long-term commitments.  This is a fear I will talk about next time....

I am emotionally exhausted, as I'm sure you are too if you're still reading this.  Off to paint my nails something other than "Cajun Shrimp" ;)

Tomorrow is Fashion Friday because I slacked on What I Wore Wednesday.

If you've been with me this entire time, have you seen me grow through this blog? 

An Ode to Louisiana

Ma chère Louisiane,

Though I have hated you at times when my life was crumbling, I now cannot seem to get you out of my skin.  You are permanently engrained in me.  Your culture, your accents, your ways.  My two years spent amidst your bayous and swamplands have put a little cajun in my soul.  The start of October will always have a certain ring with the voices of my first students excited for the opening of squirrel season.

Spring Bayou at Twilight

Summer 2011

Louisiane, your food has taught me that I must have been a cajun in a past life.  Cracklin's, etouffees, gumbos, and understanding that rice and gravy is not as literal as it sounds.  Your beer has been good to me, and your seasonal Abita Strawberry makes me as excited as Texas' Shiner Cheer at Christmas time.   Your love for a good time has given new meaning to parades and festivals, for you like to throw one for any and EVERY occasion.

I will miss the ability to purchase hard liquor at my local convenience store, though I never found the need for it, I liked knowing it was a possibility.  Or purchasing an adult slushy (aka: daiquiri) after a hard day, and never being carded at bars though we both know I look twelve.

The love obsession for college football, like I've never seen before.  The start of Mardi Gras season and days off from work to assure a time well spent.  I will miss these things.  Zydeco, and it's reminders of home with the accordion and traditional dance.

The cajun french, I fell in love, mostly because I could understand.  Maybe it was my background in Spanish, or my background in French, either way I was connected.  From catin (not a prostitute in Louisiane), to couillon for fools, or referring to kitty cats as minou minou's.  Fais do do to bed, canaille,   de's instead of the's and ax instead of ask, chiren for the kids, coo! when excited, IF! to affirm something,

Louisiane, I will miss your lack of prepositions, your questions sounding like statements, and as many Brouillettes, Couvillions, Gauthiers, Gaspards, Thibodeauxs, Lemoines, DeSotos, Dauzats, Dauzarts as there are Smiths, Jacksons, Johnsons, Garcias, or Rodriguez.

But most of all I am going to miss the people who have touched my soul.  To every student I had the honor of teaching, I am sorry I was not always the best, but I am grateful for the opportunity to teach you.  I am thankful for the opportunity to help shape you into a better version of yourself.  I am sorry if I you caught me in a frustrated state or if you were never told how much I cared.  I am going to miss those who made Louisiana welcoming, perfect, and a place I will always call my home.

Let the good times roll, but do it slowly.

This is not auvoir it is à plus tard.  You are my second home, you have a piece of my heart, and I'll be seeing you.

Cheers to good things that are going to happen...

Perseverance: We Never Give Up

I have one thing in mind right now: the school visit I attended.  One word: incredible.  It was an amazing visit.  Pretty sure my mouth was open a lot of the time from pure shock.  What is outstanding to me is that the students we teach, whether in rural Louisiana or an urban city like New Orleans are one and the same.  At the end of the day they are teenagers, some with different backgrounds than others, but overall eager to please and with a desire to feel successful.

Sci Academy is the name of the school.  It is a part of Collegiate Academies, a group of three charter schools that only serve students in 9-12 grades.  They run under the motto that proves it is never too late to learn.  I love this as a someone who believes in the closing of the achievement gap in our country with educational reform and better functioning schools led by better leaders.  

Collegiate Academies' CEO, Ben Marcovitz, a graduate of Harvard and Yale believes that students can achieve at any level.  The first cohort of students who went in as ninth graders had a percentage of 92% that were accepted to college at the time of graduation.  The school runs under a very positive environment, with core values that resonate through the walls of the school and through every classroom.  

"For decades, New Orleans failed its students. The year before Hurricane Katrina, 95 percent of the students fell below basic proficiency in English and math. The district was $300 million in debt, and corruption was so rife that the FBI set up a field office in its headquarters. The president of the Orleans Parish School Board has gone to prison on a bribery conviction, one of 24 school leaders to be indicted." (Source)

This school gives me hope for the future of education suffering in this nation.  I want there to be more schools like this.  I want my students to have the opportunity to achieve such as the students at schools like Sci Academy.  

This visit to this charter school has sparked something inside of me.  I want to spread schools like this to Avoyelles Parish and to other districts where students do not have the opportunity to succeed to their full capacity. 

Check out an amazing snippet of insight into what I saw on Monday http://www.thedaily.com/page/2011/11/26/112611-news-new-orleans-day-one-1-5

Thoughts? 

A Dream For Him

So many students have touched my heart so deeply.  I could tell you stories for days....

Tonight I have this one particular student on my heart.  I am currently serving as his mentor you could say.  I have taken him under my wing even though he is not my student this semester.  I see an immense amount of potential in him, and he works harder than many of the other students I have taught in the past.  He has an incredible work ethic and I am immensely proud to have taught him for two consecutive years.  

I realized recently that sometimes students like this, even while we may think they will reach beyond the stars, don't always realize they can.  We, as their teachers, their mentors, their parents, their peers, and their friends, have to dream for them.  We have to set their goals high and show them that we believe they can achieve anything.  

This is exactly what I'm doing for this kid.  I have a dream for him, a dream he will have the opportunity to expose himself to a world outside of Avoyelles Parish, Louisiana.  Exposure to an engineering camp this summer, exposure to an excellent math education.  A dream that he will advocate for himself and for the education he deserves.  A dream that with my help and the help of those who care about him he will raise his ACT score and have the opportunity to attend college out of state at an affordable cost.  That he will realize the injustice he has lived and doing his part to prevent that from continuing in this nation one day.

I have a dream for him.  It is moments like this when my chest is overwhelmed and I know I am reassured about where I want my career to take me.

"I water my grass all day, every day..."

Sometimes you just have to keep on keeping on--know what I mean?!

January has been full of fun, and living, and downs, but lots of ups too.  Updates, in pictures? Sure, why not.

• I am beginning to feel immense guilt about leaving this place come May.  My school, my students, a place that has changed me and shaped my life's vision.  I am not sure if I could truly justify with words the way this little parish in central Louisiana has touched me.  May will surely be bittersweet.  

• My cousin came to visit for MLK weekend with her boyfriend and that was a blast.  I took her to all the local places and we went to NOLA (New Orleans, Louisiana for those of you who never heard the acronym--Sean).  
• Thank you for coming, prima.  I love you so much and am so proud of who you have become since we were little girls playing Barbies.

At the local Daquiri Bar

New Orleans has an incredible energy about it.  This was at the Frenchman Art Market 

•  I felt so twenty-something.  I admired and appreciated art, something I take for granted much too often.  I forget how much I love just walking around and appreciating what other people take the time to create.  I may or may not have purchased three pieces of art.  

Best bar EVER.  The Carousel Bar inside of the Hotel Monteleone

• New Orleans was just fantastic.  I had not been there post-Katrina, even since I've been in living in Louisiana now.  Most people who know I live here don't realize that New Orleans is not just around the corner.  People also don't realize that Louisiana culture varies from the north to central to south Louisiana.  I definitely loved the vibe in New Orleans.  The Carousel Bar was a great place to people watch, listen to jazz, and sit at a bar that went around and around (slooowly of course) in Carousel fashion.  

The original Raising Cane's in Baton Rouge, LA.

Our first King Cake of the season in the spirit of Mardi Gras from Sucre.

It's not a NOLA trip without some Cafe Du Monde

Beignets & Cafe au laits

•  If you notice in the photograph above, I finally gave in and purchased some LSU gear.  You know you've been officially adapted to Louisiana culture when you wear some purple and gold. Oh, and when you stop calling it purple and yellow...oops.

• Then one fine MLK day, I was in a car accident. With whom?  Just with a girl who had her license for all of, oh, one month at the ripe age of sixteen.  I was at a green light and she was turning left in the opposite direction into oncoming traffic (AKA: me).  On the bright side, no one was hurt, she got a ticket, hopefully learned her lesson, and had insurance.    

My current rental: a black charger. Oh, I look SO fast and the furious in this.

• But, among all the ups and downs, I have these beautiful ladies to keep me company and keep me smiling.  I treasure our wining and dining like last Thursday night.  Maybe even scoring us some free creme brûlée on the side.  
• On a final note, the University of Washington (Seattle) grad school has now delayed their decision until "sometime in February."  But patience is a virtue, right y'all ;)

How did January treat you?

Every Minute of it

Thank you for the reminder, Julie. 

Thanks, wifey.

A friend sent me the Jack Kerouac quote this morning because she said it reminded her of me.  I couldn't help but grin really wide to myself and nod in agreement.  It's true, I really am in love with my life these days.  With every minute of it.  It feels absolutely incredible to hear myself say that, because life for me was so different a year ago.  A year ago I would not have said the same thing.  A year ago I was getting used to kind of liking going to work.  A year ago I lived alone.  A year ago I had maybe three friends in my new life in Louisiana.  A year ago I had a boyfriend.  A year ago I wasn't living.  A year ago I didn't love who I was or where I was.  But now, I love it all.  

For the first time since I have been teaching in Louisiana I have had three consecutive days of sadness.  Genuine sadness that stems from the thought of not being here in June.  Sadness from leaving my students here and feeling selfish for leaving them to pursue other dreams of mine.  I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility for my students and the relationships I have created with the people that have become like a family to me.  My students, their lives, and the community they have welcomed me into have been an emotional catharsis for my early twenties.   

A year ago I thought I would be ready to cut all ties with Louisiana come May 2013, but I am beginning to think I may tie a knot instead, only to have it untied upon my return.  I don't think I can say goodbye anymore...

Surprised? Me too.

A Cajun Christmas

Hi there, 

I'm sorry I've been distant.  I sure have missed you.  Hope you're glad to have me back.  December has been all sorts of crazy with the end of the school semester and parties and to-do's.  Don't worry, I have a whirlwind of a post to catch y'all up though. 

In the past weeks, I've...

Attended one too many Christmas parties and indulged in lots of goodies. Proof below.

My beauty of a friend, Lizzie and I wearing our Christmas Cracker finds.

Some of the beautiful ladies I have the honor of calling my friends! 

At our Teach For America holiday party

I may or may not have worn this scandalous number

I experienced quite a treat and understood what a Cajun Christmas means.

A Cajun Christmas means alligators instead of reindeer

A Cajun Christmas means having an alligator in your Christmas card

I applied to Washington University in St. Louis for their Social Work program.

I find out about admission by the end of January/Early February.  I'm so scared, that's also when I find out about University of Washington in Seattle.  Believe me when I say it was quite eventful when my recommenders got the schools confused because of the similarities in the name.  WashU in St. Louis offers two annual scholarships to former Teach For America corps members, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed there.  Both schools I applied to are incredible, and being accepted to either would be an honor.  In the end it may come down to cost...we'll just have to see. 

At some point in December I made the not so smart, but incredibly fun decision to have a Teachers Night Out with my roommates on a Thursday night.  Didn't make for a fun Friday teaching though.  My poor little post-grad body can't handle a glass of wine and a peach martini unfortunately.

Sometimes it's necessary to not follow the rules...it keeps life interesting

I got an awesome secret santa present, and gave an awesome secret santa gift.  More on what I received later ;) 

Part of my gift to my roommate was a hand painted mug, thanks to Pinterest. Here's a sneak peek of it.

I free handed the state of Louisiana myself 

She's a tea drinker! 

 My teaming group at school got matching Monogrammed sweatshirts, and we took a Christmas picture to prove it!

(L-->R) Ms. Leta, Mr. Mac, Mr. B., Ms. Pat, me, and Ms. Marcy

One of my first groups of students on our last day together! I get new babies next semester. LOVE them.

It has been such a blessing to have my students two years in a row.  I'm going to miss them so much.  I'm so excited to see some more of last year's students next semester and for a new bunch that I will have as well for Spanish I.  These kids have taught me so much more than I ever expected, and at times I think they taught me more than I taught them.  

On a final note, I have a student playing matchmaker...which will potentially lead to a blind date in the near future.  Gotta keep life interesting, right? 

;)

Merry early Christmas. 

XOXO

Big To-Do's

Feeling accomplished.  Check out this to-do list I made for myself this morning...

Scheduling out my day

Up until a couple of hours ago I actually accomplished all things on that list.  I am very proud of myself.  Being a teacher is hard work my friends.  Things are going by so fast, and I feel like Christmas will be here before we know it.  The grad school essay is still a work in progress, I have finally cut it down to five pages, but it still needs to be condensed to four.  I am awaiting my official transcript in the mail so that I can upload it in a PDF and click SUBMIT.  I am so anxious and so excited at the same time.

I am also feeling an urge to head to Texas soon, I feel homesick for my family, for my hometown, and for all things Texan.  Good BBQ, sweet tea, Houston, Austin, the Rio Grande Valley, all of it.  I have next Veteran's Day Weekend off and I'm thinking of paying my sweet cousin in Beaumont a little visit. I miss her and I don't get to see her as much as I'd like to anymore.

The hardest thing I've found about being in the "real" world and being a true "adult" with responsibilities is making the effort to keep in touch with those that are important to you.  I struggled with that a lot last year and I'm doing better this year, but I definitely want to keep improving.  This also includes my family.  I talk to my mom regularly, but for example my cousin, my dad, my other family members I tend to start leaving behind for one reason or another.  Excuses are not okay, and I hate to be one to make them.  Everyone is busy, you just have to make time for those that matter to you.  I'm guilty of not doing it, but we can only go up from there ;)

Happy belated Halloween! 

This Halloween card I received doubled as a card AND a mask! How nifty.

 Goodbye football season!

Last high school football game for me.  So bittersweet.

 and hopefully...a hello to graduate school! 

Hey, I need to fully envision these BIG dreams of mine ;)

So, you failed.

I am so unbelievably tired of working.  Yes, I have had a full on working weekend.  Things are just getting so busy towards the second half of the semester.  My classes this year are just a semester long so it is officially crunch time.

Here is a play by play of my weekend just to give you an idea of what it looked like:

Friday: I stayed after school until approximately 4:30pm for a student to make up some work.  Meanwhile I attempted to do some work of my own.  When I came home I made a large cup of coffee and I sat on my front porch as the cold front came in.  It was wonderful to just sit in the cold on my rocking chair breathing in fall.  Around 6:30pm it quickly became too much to bear and I went inside and attempted to focus on my graduate school essays.  I did not allow myself to eat dinner until I had finished writing.  That turned into seven pages too long and a pizza order at 8pm.  I felt quite productive and put on my happy hat (literally).

Saturday: I went to school and worked on my lesson plans for the week up until about 4pm.  When I got home I showered and prepared for a little fall party we hosted for our lovely neighbors.  The chilly weather called for some corn bread and chili (leftovers for dinner tonight), pumpkin pie, and pumpkin carving.  We were ever so festive and I had a pumpkin beer to go with it all.

Happy Halloween!
From left to right: a witch, a fleur de lis, a skull and cross bones, a jack-o-lantern

A hearty bowl of vegetarian slow-cooked chili with cornbread mmmm

The ladies working hard on the pumpkins.

Today: I have literally been grading tests (the same tests I might add) since 12pm and am not finished.  I decided to stop because of how unsuccessful I currently feel.  Most of my students completely bombed their unit three exam and I feel like I have failed them as a teacher.  I started thinking about what I did wrong and why most of them failed this exam.  It is a downward spiral from there and I need to think positive thoughts so I have decided to finish my last bundle of tests in an hour and/or tomorrow.  I cannot tell you just how disappointing it is see results like this when you feel like you have been working as hard as you have at your job.  I can also tell you that his is not uncommon for those working in schools like mine.  Rather than looking at all of the circumstances I immediately begin blaming myself.  I hate to make excuses and by looking at other factors I feel like that is exactly what I am doing.  

I'm just trying to find a balance between my job, which seems to take over my life sometimes, and talking to my friends and family.  If you fall into one of those two categories and you feel neglected lately I apologize deeply.  I am going to attempt and do better about that within the next two weeks.  I also really need to attempt and meet my personal deadline for the UW-Grad School application.  I know I still have time, but I'd like to have it taken care of a good three weeks before it is actually due.  This essay needs to be perfected before anything else can happen.

Here's to hoping this last week of October is not as crazy as my weekend was.  Expect a Halloween post if our internet is up and running. Happy Halloween Week! 

I'll leave y'all with a little something to cheer up this post. I'm sure y'all have seen this already, but it's such a feel-good thing to watch.  

Thoughts From a Weekend

Things are so busy lately.  So busy and our internet at the house has been faulty so excuse my lack of blogging.  I've missed y'all.  Have y'all been busy bees, too?

Check out Lisa's film prints from Labor Day weekend in Seattle-Tacoma! 

Last time I mentioned how excited I was about the new Mumford and Sons album, and let me tell you, it is incredible.  (Don't worry, Lisa, I have a copy ready for you).  Their music just touches my soul every time I listen to it (which is a lot).  It's funny how I wasn't in the right mindset to appreciate them two years ago, but cannot get enough of them lately.  Their lyrics are beautiful.  If you get the chance listen to Babel, Whispers in the Dark, Lover of the Light, and Below My Feet.

This weekend involved lots of R&R, including a much needed visit to the local spa.  The girls and I took a day dedicated to the spa and it was perfect.  Turns out that the lovely woman who gave me my facial is also our neighbor.  Only in a small town...

Thank God for pay day, because we are no longer in the Great Teacher Depression.  We stocked up on groceries for two weeks on Friday evening.  Somehow on Fridays we, the teachers, get a little looney (proof below).  We say things we wouldn't normally say, do things we wouldn't normally do, and I think it is due to the fact that we lose a few brain cells throughout the week.

Try this guilt-free tuna salad recipe, I made it in bulk for my roommates and I so you may want less mayo for one can of tuna:

• Greek Yogurt (eyeball it)
• Mayo (1 Tablespoon)
• An apple cut into small pieces
• 1 can of tuna
• Grapes cut in halves
• Craisins
• Celery
• 1 hard boiled egg
• Salt and pepper

Looney in the Kroger aisle

Two weeks worth of groceries

Glowing after my crushed pearl facial

Guilt Free Tuna Salad

Loving tea time before bed these days.  

One last thing, I will leave y'all with a b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l. song by City & Colour called "The Girl" Sweet, sweet, sweet, utterly beautiful song.  Isn't it?