Unpacking // Nostalgia

I have always hated unpacking, okay who really likes doing this awful chore anyway (don't answer that)?  But really, I am the person who will literally take weeks before unpacking a suitcase.  Now, packing, I'm quite a champ at, but when it comes to unloading suitcases I need to be forced after three weeks of it sitting (just ask my roommates).  I have attempted to get into the habit of immediately unpacking within thirty minutes of arriving so that I am not putting it off like the slacker I am. Has not been entirely successful yet.

My procrastination when it comes to unpacking is probably why it did not surprise me one bit when I also put off to metaphorically unpack the emotions in my life.  If I reflect back on the past two years, a LOT has happened.  I am a completely different me than I was May of 2011.  One of my best friends pointed out to me that it's that time, time to unpack, partly because new chapters are unfolding in my life, risks are being taken, and he deserves someone who travels light.  Someone who has washed the crinkled up clothes that have been sitting there for entirely too long, maybe even throw some out because they have gone out of style.

So, here I am as I unpack the past two years of my life, with vulnerability and no hesitations.

Currently - I am relaxing at home, in the Rio Grande Valley, spending time with my family.  It is absolute bliss not having a care in the world (well, sort of).  I am taking time for myself, recharging, appreciating myself.  Current schedule: wake up, read, run errands (if any), gym, read, eat, repeat.  No regrets because I know it will be busy, busy, busy come August when school starts for me.

Louisiana - you can read more about my feelings about teaching here, but my time in Louisiana ended up being a true blessing.  I have a little cajun in my soul and I would not change the past two years of my life for anything.

Mon sha - the current man in my life.  He was unexpected, like I met you once and mindlessly flirted landing my friends and I with a little something extra.  As in, I went out with you thinking it would be a one time thing, a one week thing, a just-til-I-leave-in-May thing.  I am not sure about a lot of things with him, but he makes sense right now.  We are completely different, he likes black, I like white.  He prefers classic rock and roll to my favorite Jason Aldean country song.  I drink beer, he drinks....something else (ha!).  He is nothing like anyone I have ever met in Louisiana, and that might be my favorite part.  He's loyal, and kind, he's respectful, and means what he says.  He has strong opinions, but is always willing to listen to the opinion of others.  We are learning about each other, and I will keep y'all posted on how the test goes.

May 2011 - May 2012 - this was byfar the most difficult period in my life early twenties.  I not only transitioned out of college and into the "real world", which was extremely scary, but I also moved to a new state and started one of the most difficult and underrated jobs someone can have in our country.  I was dating someone pretty seriously at the time.  Let me define "pretty serious", I thought that we would be engaged by December 2013 and Married by the end of 2014 (wtf?! GTFO?! I know....).  Anyway, this person, although I was in love at the time, added a lot of good things to my life and I learned many things.  Among many things he taught me patience, to listen, to be selfless, and overall more sensitive to the needs of others.  However, instead of growing into a person I loved, sadly I closed off to others, especially my best friends.  Instead of becoming a better version of myself I began asking myself what I did wrong and how I could better myself for him, because he never made me feel good enough.  Frankly, I was never that attracted to him physically (but still blinded by love), though he was to me.  I could never "give" him what he needed, and though I tried and tried and tried, it never appeared to be enough.  I gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and really and truly I was drained.  Things about me that were never an issue at the start of the relationship turned into LIFE issues at the end of it.  Instead of giving the selfless support I needed when my life got so tough I almost  quit everything I had worked for and moved back to Texas, he sunk me down.  To this day it overwhelms my chest with anxiety to think of the person I had become.  I was not myself, I was not happy, I was not light and sunny, I felt heavy and drained at the same time.

I went through a period of pure abstinence from men/dating/love, I was enjoying being single and learning to be me by myself and loving who I had always been.  Somehow sometime between Seattle and the beginning of 2013 I learned to become lighter than I've ever been.  I opened up a side of me I never have before.  I did it with my students, so why shouldn't I do it in real life?  Things that used to bother me as much just didn't, I became more vulnerable and open to love and new things.  I told myself I would never again let a relationship get in the way of friendships, I would protect my heart, but without a fear to let others in.  It's a process in the making, just ask my best friends :)

Now, commitment is something I have to work through.  I'm talking long-term commitments.  This is a fear I will talk about next time....

I am emotionally exhausted, as I'm sure you are too if you're still reading this.  Off to paint my nails something other than "Cajun Shrimp" ;)

Tomorrow is Fashion Friday because I slacked on What I Wore Wednesday.

If you've been with me this entire time, have you seen me grow through this blog? 

Crumbling like pastries

Can we please take a hour minute to focus on how yummy (yes, I just said that) Danell Leyva is? I know, I know, you've probably read a thousand and one tweets about it from other people.  Or you've heard about him from anyone following the Olympics.  I, am not following persé, unless you count the pictures of Danell that I've been stalking.  Can I call you Danell, or should I say Mr. Leyva?  Better yet, how awesome would our names work together.  Mrs. Laura Leyva, we all like alliteration.  If only he was twenty-five years young instead of twenty...ahhh, a girl can drool dream.

Yum-O

My PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is back.  The trauma being last school year.  Okay, I'm being a tad bit dramatic here.  But, I seriously had nightmares about my students post-the last week of school for two weeks straight.  The dreams are back now that we are getting closer and closer to the new school year.

Enough of the lightheartedness, the truth is that I had a really difficult time last year.  I struggled to adjust to my new life in Louisiana.  I went through a huge transitional change.  I think I even lost a part of me last year.  I am not sure what to atribute that loss to.  Somehow, someway, I found myself again this summer.  I have remembered the things that make me happy such as: reading, blogging, talking to my best friends, traveling, being in Texas, my family, exercise, music, yoga.  

Teach For America was something that I wanted since I can remember (I had a teacher from the corps fifth & sixth grade).  I have also wanted to be a therapist for as long as I can remember, but Teach For America was a service I wanted to fulfill before graduate school.  Being accepted as a part of this prestigious program was one of the most exciting opportunities that ever came to me.  I was so dedicated to it's mission that I was willing to go anywhere, for me this service was about the children, their education, and social justice, not about where I did it.  I was placed in Southern Louisiana (but technically central).  I was in a very rural  Parish with about fifteen other corps members, one of which would be at my school.  I made the choice to live alone in a two bedroom apartment.  I was on my own, for the first time.  Truly on my own.  The "hub" city for my regional placement was Baton Rouge (a 2 hour drive from my rural placement).  I had a boyfriend at the time who had somewhat agreed to the long-distance relationship from Austin, Texas.  I say somewhat, because he never assured me that our relationship would last, I just took a leap hoping that he would believe in the relationship as I did.  

I do not think I have ever had as much anxiety and stress as I did during my first year in Louisiana.  A lot of this was due to teaching and the rest was due to my loneliness.  I look back being in the emotional state I am now and think about how much I cried last year.  I think I cried almost every day in September, and the crying decreased as the months went by and teaching got easier for me.  Last year was the most crying I'd ever done in my life.  Two of my best girlfriends came to visit me in October and it was so incredibly hard to let them go when they left (literally).  I cried, and cried, and cried.  I felt...unhappy.  My world was essentially focused on: teaching, teaching, teaching, certification meetings, my boyfriend, my boyfriend, making my boyfriend happy, and teaching again.  I completely forgot to have fun, make new friends, and fix what I didn't like.  

I am not attributing all of my struggles to my relationship, but I think a great part of it was due to it.  My relationship began to get rocky last October, and that was when my boyfriend broke up with me the first time.  I thought I had done something wrong and it was all my fault.  I then refocused so much more of my energy on that relationship.  On "fixing" it.  On loving better.  On being better for him.  I think that by attempting to "fix me" I began to break.  

Throughout all of this I attempted to maintain a "happy" front.  People like me don't show their emotions on their sleeve unless those emotions are full of rainbows and sunshine.  "I choose to be happy", I would say to myself.   The truth is that you can only choose to be happy so much, before you real emotions start seeping through.  By April of 2012 I was better in some ways, but I reached an emotional breakdown on my spring break when I went to see my boyfriend in Houston, Texas.  Somehow, I don't know how, but I the most rash decision I never thought I would be making.  I chose to leave my commitment with Teach For America. My boyfriend supported this decision.  The organization I had loved for so long, and dedicated so much of my time to, all of a sudden meant nothing.  I thought I felt happy (I could leave Louisiana after all!), but there was a huge uncertainty behind it.  A new job, a new place to live.  Immediately my boyfriend began to plan out my life for me by setting up possible jobs, and ideas, and connections, and people.  It was too much.  I think somewhere in the midst of it all I realized that Teach For America wasn't a mask I could take off.  I still felt empty.  

After talking to my Teach For America mentor about my decision and lots of thinking, I made the decision to fulfill my two year commitment and stay.  To this person, thank you for talking sense into me.  I know it's your job, but I needed someone to tell me the things you told me that day.  

I think you know what happened after that.  I finished the school year happy as a clam.  Among all of my uncertainties, I was certain of one thing: Teach For America.  My relationship went downhill as you may recall, and through all of the feelings, and emotionally draining conversations, I'm happy.  I feel like myself again.  Like I said, I'm not sure what to attribute the last year to, but I'm finally back.

Here I am.  Soon to be starting my second year of teaching, afraid as ever.  I hate to say it, but I have such ill-feelings associated with the state of Louisiana, because of last year.  So many of those feelings come back to me as I think about teaching again.  Behind all of the excitement that I am feeling and the positive thoughts I want to be having is fear.  I am afraid of having a horrible time.  I am scared of crying every day in September.  I don't want to pretend, I want to be the best teacher I can be for my students.  I want to have fun, and I want to build all of the relationships I didn't last year.  

My best advice I can give myself is to stop being afraid.  Bring back the positive thoughts and replace them with all that could go wrong.  (Okay, yeah I got it from pinterest, so what?)  I plan to be moving in with three fellow corps members across the street from four other lovely girls.  I hope the eight of us can have a tight knit community in our little rural parish.  I want to see friends in Baton Rouge more, travel often, and just love being me.  Here's to pushing fear aside, a year of minimal crying, untied stomach knots, and letting go.  Will you?

P.S.  Thank you to my sweet Leigh for sending me this, my inspiration for the title of this post.  

Good Grief

Grief is not only for those who have passed.  When going through a break up, you are prone to the stages of grief.  It has almost been a month since my break up and I will say that things are fairly good.  I feel great, I am happier, and I'd say that I am moving through the stages of grief pretty quickly.  I think this is partly because I spent about a month prior to our official break up going through the first two stages.  Let's go through the stages for those of you who are not familiar with the grieving process.

1. Shock & Denial
2. Anger
3. Deal Making
4. Sadness
5. Acceptance

I'm not really an angry person, I don't like the energy it sucks out of me.  If I need to feel angry I will and I know how to recognize anger and deal with it in a healthy manner without attempting to seek "revenge" or "get back" at someone.  I have found that it doesn't make me feel better to "get even."  In fact, I feel worse.  It takes too much emotional strength and I'd rather just move on and be happy.  Anger was a stage that I didn't spend too much time in.  I was angry, I recognized it, but I decided to be happy instead.  Therefore, I quickly moseyed on to stage three, Deal Making.

It is said that in the Deal Making stage you literally make a deal with yourself or with a higher power (God) to become a better person/partner in your relationship and love better.  Most recently I remember feeling and even overanalyzing whether I loved the absolute best that I could.  Asking myself whether I should've been there in A., B., or C. situations.  Focusing on the bad, ugly, and worst about myself.  I began to pray to God and tell him to help me to become a better version of myself.  I asked for patience and understanding and to learn to love better.  The truth is, I loved the very best that I knew how to, and by wondering if I loved him "enough" I was negative self-talking and blaming myself for the loss.  I'll admit that I will begin having these thoughts every now and then still and I have to shake myself out of it, replace it with a happy thought and move forward.  It's difficult because I loved with everything I had and lost.  I have made a deal, but not to love better in that relationship, but to love myself better.

I would say that I am currently in the Sadness and Acceptance stages.  Could I possibly be between the two of them?  It all seems a bit quick.  You can't exactly set a time for each stage and everyone is different.  I do find myself accepting the loss more and more every day, and I look forward to a friendship coming out of it at some point.  After all, we always wanted that.  But I have moments when I can't help but stop and think about it.  These moments are sporadic and they can happen anywhere.  For example, today I was walking into Cheddar's and this song by Martina McBride was playing in the background.  A lump grew in my throat, I excused myself from the table and I inevitably shed a couple of tears.  It was the line "this one's for the girls who have loved without holding back" that for some reason got to me.  I feel silly even saying it.  Such a random thing to bring this feeling isn't it?  I still have moments like that though.  It's not so much about missing the relationship itself, but about all of the energy that was put into it I think.  I've accepted that we were not the right people for each other and that it will no longer exist.

I will leave you all with one last thing.  Below is a picture of my current nails.  There is this new nail polish trend taking the world over by storm.  Alright, I don't know if that's actually true, but it is pretty trendy.  Rather than having uniform nails (which I love) you paint your ring fingers a different color or accentuate it with sparkle, a design, etc.  I made the decision to step out of my comfort zone and try this out with a new minty polish I invested in.  the Combination you see is Essie's Absolutely Shore and Haute as Hello (the coral).

Yay or nay on the new nail polish trend? How long did it take you to get over your last relationship?