Friday, June 21, 2013

Unpacking // Nostalgia

I have always hated unpacking, okay who really likes doing this awful chore anyway (don't answer that)?  But really, I am the person who will literally take weeks before unpacking a suitcase.  Now, packing, I'm quite a champ at, but when it comes to unloading suitcases I need to be forced after three weeks of it sitting (just ask my roommates).  I have attempted to get into the habit of immediately unpacking within thirty minutes of arriving so that I am not putting it off like the slacker I am. Has not been entirely successful yet.

My procrastination when it comes to unpacking is probably why it did not surprise me one bit when I also put off to metaphorically unpack the emotions in my life.  If I reflect back on the past two years, a LOT has happened.  I am a completely different me than I was May of 2011.  One of my best friends pointed out to me that it's that time, time to unpack, partly because new chapters are unfolding in my life, risks are being taken, and he deserves someone who travels light.  Someone who has washed the crinkled up clothes that have been sitting there for entirely too long, maybe even throw some out because they have gone out of style.

So, here I am as I unpack the past two years of my life, with vulnerability and no hesitations.

Currently - I am relaxing at home, in the Rio Grande Valley, spending time with my family.  It is absolute bliss not having a care in the world (well, sort of).  I am taking time for myself, recharging, appreciating myself.  Current schedule: wake up, read, run errands (if any), gym, read, eat, repeat.  No regrets because I know it will be busy, busy, busy come August when school starts for me.

Louisiana - you can read more about my feelings about teaching here, but my time in Louisiana ended up being a true blessing.  I have a little cajun in my soul and I would not change the past two years of my life for anything.

Mon sha - the current man in my life.  He was unexpected, like I met you once and mindlessly flirted landing my friends and I with a little something extra.  As in, I went out with you thinking it would be a one time thing, a one week thing, a just-til-I-leave-in-May thing.  I am not sure about a lot of things with him, but he makes sense right now.  We are completely different, he likes black, I like white.  He prefers classic rock and roll to my favorite Jason Aldean country song.  I drink beer, he drinks....something else (ha!).  He is nothing like anyone I have ever met in Louisiana, and that might be my favorite part.  He's loyal, and kind, he's respectful, and means what he says.  He has strong opinions, but is always willing to listen to the opinion of others.  We are learning about each other, and I will keep y'all posted on how the test goes.

May 2011 - May 2012 - this was byfar the most difficult period in my life early twenties.  I not only transitioned out of college and into the "real world", which was extremely scary, but I also moved to a new state and started one of the most difficult and underrated jobs someone can have in our country.  I was dating someone pretty seriously at the time.  Let me define "pretty serious", I thought that we would be engaged by December 2013 and Married by the end of 2014 (wtf?! GTFO?! I know....).  Anyway, this person, although I was in love at the time, added a lot of good things to my life and I learned many things.  Among many things he taught me patience, to listen, to be selfless, and overall more sensitive to the needs of others.  However, instead of growing into a person I loved, sadly I closed off to others, especially my best friends.  Instead of becoming a better version of myself I began asking myself what I did wrong and how I could better myself for him, because he never made me feel good enough.  Frankly, I was never that attracted to him physically (but still blinded by love), though he was to me.  I could never "give" him what he needed, and though I tried and tried and tried, it never appeared to be enough.  I gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and really and truly I was drained.  Things about me that were never an issue at the start of the relationship turned into LIFE issues at the end of it.  Instead of giving the selfless support I needed when my life got so tough I almost  quit everything I had worked for and moved back to Texas, he sunk me down.  To this day it overwhelms my chest with anxiety to think of the person I had become.  I was not myself, I was not happy, I was not light and sunny, I felt heavy and drained at the same time.

I went through a period of pure abstinence from men/dating/love, I was enjoying being single and learning to be me by myself and loving who I had always been.  Somehow sometime between Seattle and the beginning of 2013 I learned to become lighter than I've ever been.  I opened up a side of me I never have before.  I did it with my students, so why shouldn't I do it in real life?  Things that used to bother me as much just didn't, I became more vulnerable and open to love and new things.  I told myself I would never again let a relationship get in the way of friendships, I would protect my heart, but without a fear to let others in.  It's a process in the making, just ask my best friends :)

Now, commitment is something I have to work through.  I'm talking long-term commitments.  This is a fear I will talk about next time....

I am emotionally exhausted, as I'm sure you are too if you're still reading this.  Off to paint my nails something other than "Cajun Shrimp" ;)

Tomorrow is Fashion Friday because I slacked on What I Wore Wednesday.

If you've been with me this entire time, have you seen me grow through this blog? 

1 comment:

  1. Glad to see your growth in all of this years of experience so that you don't repeat the same mistakes.