Entre Pairos y Derivas

As much as I think this is a summer of change, some things never do.  This was made evident on Saturday night.  I will have to go back approximately nine years to do my story justice.  You see, almost nine years ago the summer before my first year of high school I fell in love.  Now...don't go away, you're probably tempted after reading that line.  Stay...stay...hope I convinced you there ;)
Yes, it sounds crazy, because it was.  I didn't realize it was love at the time and believe me, it took me a good four to five years of denial to even call it love.  


This boy made me believe in love at first sight (cliche, I know, but I promise it happens).  He is someone who can make laugh at the drop of a hat (God knows I have the worst sense of humor).  Someone who's eyes I cannot resist for anything.  Someone who has spoken some of the most genuine words I've ever heard.  Someone who, almost nine years later still gives me butterflies at the pit of my stomach.  Someone who I can hold a stare with forever, not because I'm a creeper, but because my eyes cannot help themselves.  Nine years.  Nine years have passed and last night we encountered each other again.  


(Side note: throughout these nine years there have been previous encounters and we have kept in touch in some way, shape, or form. )


Last night our eyes met after several years and he came over with a smile to greet me (in true Latin culture fashion) with a kiss on the cheek.  To my embarrassment I found myself holding his cheek as he pressed his against mine and the rest was a blur.  The truth is that I don't think either one of us knew how to react to one another.  There I was taking sips of Dos Equis to build up the courage to dance with him.  What are you supposed to do when the person you fell for at the age of thirteen is giving you the same feelings now that you're a grown woman?!  After several stares back and forth I thank God for the group dance as he moseyed over stood by me and began to speak.  Small talk and jokes mostly. It's difficult to express how I feel when I'm around him.  I feel absolutely beautiful, beaming, like a light radiates inside and everyone takes notice. (Why yes,  I realize how dramatic that sounds after reading it)    As much as I knew that this encounter of ours would only last a couple of hours it didn't make it any less exciting.  To be honest, all I could think about was kissing him.


I've spent too many years asking the what if and we had nothing to lose.  I was so afraid, but of what?!   Scared that he would reject my carefree offer, that after nine years he felt absolutely nothing.  Afraid he would say he had a girlfriend (although I'm fairly certain he currently does not).  With many stares back and forth, back and forth, shaking of heads, and unspoken words, the night ended.  Stares that said a thousand words and yet I wish I could say what they were.  I came home and cannot stop thinking about him (naturally).  


What my point is, and what I have been contemplating about this encounter is this: will I find someone who will make me feel the way that he does?  Should we settle for mediocre when it is just a waste of time.  There are too many mediocre things in life and love should be mad, passionate, and extraordinary, right?  I don't necessarily believe in coincidences and while part of me wants to say it was a coincidence running into him again I think I was supposed to learn something from it.  The question is, what?


Why bring back these incredible feelings that I have only ever had with him?  Why, if he lives in another country?  Why? WHY?!  It just kills me.  Am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel this way?   Or am I supposed to realize I won't ever feel this way about anyone else  and live with the fact that he's out there?  As a rational person who is not idealistic, I am aware of all the cynical and even the realistic answers, and it just all seems like...well, bullshit.  


I trust God and why I ened up in certain situations, I just ask for the patience and perseverance to understand this.  And, finally.  To the boy (now man) who changed my life nine years ago: if you're reading this, "por los mares de mi vida, hoy me veo siempre bogando a ti." 

Una canción que me regresa a ti.  Translate if you must, but this man is truly poetic.