Love is Not Made Up

I've felt so overwhelmed with love the past couple of days.  Valentine's Day is not Single Awareness Day as many call it, for me it's always a chance to reflect on how much love exists in this world.  I am beginning to sound like a cheesy greeting card. Keep reading...

#EqualChance

Yesterday did not exactly start off great, it was supposed to be a fairly nice day (weather-wise).  Lesson learned: do NOT trust St. Louis weather.  One of my roommates and I were supposed to go to a professional development workshop in the morning.  We walked to school and realized there was a small chance of snow.  Snow it did not.  It began raining (freezing cold rain), but on the bright side it was only sprinkling.  By the time we got out of our professional development a mere three hours later, the city had iced over.  A combination of sleet, rain, and ice was just bad news.  I proceeded to walk across campus to catch the train to my internship.  Normally this would take 10-12 minutes, but it took twice as long because of the flats that I was wearing.  I know what you're thinking if you're reading this but I left my boots at my internship and rather than carrying around three pairs of shoes by the end of the day I wore the flats.  BAD IDEA.  I almost slipped at least three times, missed my train, and proceeded to actually fall while holding onto a rail when I got off the train.  Happy Valentine's Day to me.

Despite all of this I still loved seeing the expressions of love around me.  Those who stopped to ask if I was okay.  The men on the train holding beautiful flowers soon to be delivered to their prospective partners.  The beautiful posts of everyone who felt loved yesterday.  Regardless of whether you believe Valentine's Day is a made up holiday or not.  Love is not made up.  This holiday is a reminder of that.

Thank you Valentine's Day for instilling hope.  

Then, I came across a beautiful and brave testimony by Ellen Page.  Last night she bravely came out at the Time to Thrive conference sponsored by the Human Rights Campaign. So inspirational and just beautiful.  I am constantly reminded that this is the civil rights issue of our time.  Watch it below

"But what I have learned is that love—the beauty of it, the joy of it, and yes, even the pain of it—is the most incredible gift to give and to receive as a human being" - Ellen Page

Now go forth and give that gift every chance you get.

Unpacking // Nostalgia

I have always hated unpacking, okay who really likes doing this awful chore anyway (don't answer that)?  But really, I am the person who will literally take weeks before unpacking a suitcase.  Now, packing, I'm quite a champ at, but when it comes to unloading suitcases I need to be forced after three weeks of it sitting (just ask my roommates).  I have attempted to get into the habit of immediately unpacking within thirty minutes of arriving so that I am not putting it off like the slacker I am. Has not been entirely successful yet.

My procrastination when it comes to unpacking is probably why it did not surprise me one bit when I also put off to metaphorically unpack the emotions in my life.  If I reflect back on the past two years, a LOT has happened.  I am a completely different me than I was May of 2011.  One of my best friends pointed out to me that it's that time, time to unpack, partly because new chapters are unfolding in my life, risks are being taken, and he deserves someone who travels light.  Someone who has washed the crinkled up clothes that have been sitting there for entirely too long, maybe even throw some out because they have gone out of style.

So, here I am as I unpack the past two years of my life, with vulnerability and no hesitations.

Currently - I am relaxing at home, in the Rio Grande Valley, spending time with my family.  It is absolute bliss not having a care in the world (well, sort of).  I am taking time for myself, recharging, appreciating myself.  Current schedule: wake up, read, run errands (if any), gym, read, eat, repeat.  No regrets because I know it will be busy, busy, busy come August when school starts for me.

Louisiana - you can read more about my feelings about teaching here, but my time in Louisiana ended up being a true blessing.  I have a little cajun in my soul and I would not change the past two years of my life for anything.

Mon sha - the current man in my life.  He was unexpected, like I met you once and mindlessly flirted landing my friends and I with a little something extra.  As in, I went out with you thinking it would be a one time thing, a one week thing, a just-til-I-leave-in-May thing.  I am not sure about a lot of things with him, but he makes sense right now.  We are completely different, he likes black, I like white.  He prefers classic rock and roll to my favorite Jason Aldean country song.  I drink beer, he drinks....something else (ha!).  He is nothing like anyone I have ever met in Louisiana, and that might be my favorite part.  He's loyal, and kind, he's respectful, and means what he says.  He has strong opinions, but is always willing to listen to the opinion of others.  We are learning about each other, and I will keep y'all posted on how the test goes.

May 2011 - May 2012 - this was byfar the most difficult period in my life early twenties.  I not only transitioned out of college and into the "real world", which was extremely scary, but I also moved to a new state and started one of the most difficult and underrated jobs someone can have in our country.  I was dating someone pretty seriously at the time.  Let me define "pretty serious", I thought that we would be engaged by December 2013 and Married by the end of 2014 (wtf?! GTFO?! I know....).  Anyway, this person, although I was in love at the time, added a lot of good things to my life and I learned many things.  Among many things he taught me patience, to listen, to be selfless, and overall more sensitive to the needs of others.  However, instead of growing into a person I loved, sadly I closed off to others, especially my best friends.  Instead of becoming a better version of myself I began asking myself what I did wrong and how I could better myself for him, because he never made me feel good enough.  Frankly, I was never that attracted to him physically (but still blinded by love), though he was to me.  I could never "give" him what he needed, and though I tried and tried and tried, it never appeared to be enough.  I gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and gave, and really and truly I was drained.  Things about me that were never an issue at the start of the relationship turned into LIFE issues at the end of it.  Instead of giving the selfless support I needed when my life got so tough I almost  quit everything I had worked for and moved back to Texas, he sunk me down.  To this day it overwhelms my chest with anxiety to think of the person I had become.  I was not myself, I was not happy, I was not light and sunny, I felt heavy and drained at the same time.

I went through a period of pure abstinence from men/dating/love, I was enjoying being single and learning to be me by myself and loving who I had always been.  Somehow sometime between Seattle and the beginning of 2013 I learned to become lighter than I've ever been.  I opened up a side of me I never have before.  I did it with my students, so why shouldn't I do it in real life?  Things that used to bother me as much just didn't, I became more vulnerable and open to love and new things.  I told myself I would never again let a relationship get in the way of friendships, I would protect my heart, but without a fear to let others in.  It's a process in the making, just ask my best friends :)

Now, commitment is something I have to work through.  I'm talking long-term commitments.  This is a fear I will talk about next time....

I am emotionally exhausted, as I'm sure you are too if you're still reading this.  Off to paint my nails something other than "Cajun Shrimp" ;)

Tomorrow is Fashion Friday because I slacked on What I Wore Wednesday.

If you've been with me this entire time, have you seen me grow through this blog? 

Whaley // Solidarity // Intentions

My favorite spot these days

Let's talk about how much time I have spent on my front porch since 3:30pm yesterday, or rather since this past week.  My front porch has become a place of solidarity for me.  A place for deep thoughts, for rejuvenation after a long day at work, for remembering to enjoy the simple things, the small things, the little pleasures that a stressful and hectic job can make you take for granted.  I will miss this Louisiana town so much in a few months.  This chapter of my life is ending and a new one is beginning in less than six months.  Wherever I go, this front porch will be reminisced.

I would just like to preface this post by saying that my intentions are not to devalue men or women in their mid-twenties to early thirties, but to simply express some current observations and thoughts.

Lately my girlfriends and I have been discussing relationships, both old and current and I feel that many women in their twenties feel jaded towards men.  I cannot speak for men, maybe they too feel jaded towards women.  I have taken a slight noticing that many men do not seem to mature or as we, the women say, "grow up."  I would hate to say this is only one gender, I am just speaking from a woman's point of view.  It could possibly be that there are two extremes of people once we reach a certain post-adolescent age.  One group being the group of individuals with mature thoughts, those that understand and acknowledge how to interact with the opposite sex fully.  Courtship, dating, and not afraid of being "real" with other people.  Providing clarity, communicating, and being courteous.  If you are not interested in talking to someone anymore, tell them that.  If you are not interested in dating someone, communicate that.  If you are interested in someone, communicate your intentions to them.  As humans, we (both sexes), want to understand the causes and effects of our interpersonal relationships.  It is becoming more and more socially acceptable to simply allow ourselves to be ignored and to accept that and with time to let it go.  I think this stems from a fear of rejection, both of rejecting someone else or of  being the receiver of rejection.  Easier said than done, right?

Thoughts on the above? 

On a less serious note, here are some happenings from my week:

Beer on a Tuesday Night

Wine Down Wednesdays  

 Senior Class Ring Ceremony! Class of 2014

Eating like a true Louisiana girl, with the right reading material ;)

If you are one of my close friends, you may be receiving the post card below :)
I love whales.

Real

It has been an absolutely blissful Veteran's Day weekend.  I am so thankful for the extra day I had to relax this weekend.

I've been full of intense thoughts.  So intense it's hard to keep them straight.  I'm also ready to go home to Texas for awhile.  I'm just ready for a vacation.  My road trip to Texas on Friday will be the start of pure relaxation for me. At least for a week.  My graduate school application WILL be submitted from the place I call home, the Rio Grande Valley.  Right now, I've got everything together I'm just doing some final edits on my essays, getting some different people to do some final reviews.

Love has been on my mind a lot.  You could say that for the past six months love escaped me.  That sounds morbid and all sorts of dark and twisty that I do not mean to be.  I don't mean escape in the empty sense of the word, but just escape in that love and the idea of falling in love went away.  To take a break from my mind for awhile.  Love was always there and I still loved everything that encompassed the word and feelings that came with it.

But recently, love is on my mind again.  The possibility of falling in love again feels real to me.  It feels far away I may add, but it feels real. It's kind of a funny realization, and it almost sounds silly writing it down.  I almost want to kick myself and say, "well of course it was always real, and of course you will fall in love again" but it still won't change that for the past six months love and I gave each other some much needed space.  

Happenings from this weekend:

My first bon fire! 

First bon fire spent with great company

Delicious brunch!  

The beautiful view from the bath I took on my relaxing weekend out of town 

My roommate baking apple pie

Splurges at Marshall's

Steve Madden leather boots! 

Expect a post about this in the near future...

I love Young Adult fiction! 

What a steal! 

How was your weekend?

Any intense thoughts?

Suggestions on pushing through my week? 

Home//An Unfamiliar Road

Sometimes an unfamiliar road can feel like home.

I want to move to the Pacific Northwest.  I never thought I'd be saying those words.  It's something that I never imagined.  I always knew that I wanted to visit and in my heart I knew I would fall in love with all that it had to offer, but to move there?!  I realize I'm too close to my family and love the comfort of all that is southern.  I also know a part of me is missing something unwritten that will transcribe with a move across the country.  I feel as thought I have had pieces to the puzzle all along, but it wasn't until this weekend that I saw how they fit.  

I am so thankful, more than ever to be where I am in my life right now.  The past year has been one of many changes and one thing I distinctly remember feeling in my last relationship was this...

My then boyfriend told me to follow wherever he was (location-wise) and insinuated at the thought that if I loved him I would go where he went after my commitment with Teach For America(TFA).  It's funny how those thoughts and feelings were interpreted to me.  It felt like the clock in my early twenties was ticking and post-TFA I had to be where he was (because that's what I knew he wanted) and if I loved him I would do so.  <-- It makes me sick to even write that, but if you find yourself unable to relate to that sentence perhaps you haven't experienced that kind of love.  When you do, I promise you'll understand.  Before I was able to finish my commitment with Teach For America, my going where he went did not seem to be good enough.  I remember feeling my heart break a little at the thought of not being able to choose a graduate school or take an opportunity based on what I had always imagined for myself.  If that sounds selfish consider this: it is important when two people who love each other grow, understand, and support each other through our process of becoming.  In order to love ourselves we must allow ourselves to become, and in order to love others we must love ourselves.  While being together is important, I think it is necessary to support what the other wants, allowing you to nurture them, the relationship, and they themselves better.  This may mean being together in the same city, or together (and not forever) but apart.

An evening sunset behind Mount Rainier

A part of me has wanted to apply to graduate schools and other opportunities out of the south, and just go somewhere unexpected.  Washington state is exactly that--unexpected.  I knew within about ten minutes of arriving to Seattle (err...maybe it was as I saw this beautiful sunset over Mount Rainier from the plane) that I saw myself living there. 

 If you've heard me rave about California, you may be thinking I am acting on instinct, but I can safely say that I like it at least three times better than I did California.  A great part of it has to do with what I felt in Washington.  The Seattle/Tacoma area felt completely laid back, beautiful, with perfect summer weather, and there was this lack of materialism that I didn't feel in California.   All I know right now is my mind thinks about moving to Seattle all the time.  It's on my mind, I'm making plans, and we will see where those thoughts take me.

Now for some nostalgia, here are some snapshots from my extended Labor Day weekend in Seattle with my wonderful friend and host Lisa.  Expect some links to some amazing shots she took to come very soon.

New friends by a campfire

Remember 10 Things I Hate About You? Recognize this shot?

Stadium High School in Tacoma, Washington

Amazing lunch at Row House in the Lake Union district of Seattle

Shooting with Lisa at University of Puget Sound 

Pit stop in Port Townsend while cruising the Olympic Peninsula 

French Press coffee & change

Beautiful Lisa & I 

A reflection of Harmony

Basically in Canada as I overlook the Dungeness Spit 

The most beautiful sunset I have ever experienced

I will leave you with a little something the beautiful Lisa left me with.  Sadly we never got to hear it on our last adventure yesternight, but it is perfect.

Love and spontaneity in Seattle

Writing from Seattle. All I can say is that, "Sometimes life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons."

This place has done something to me and I can't wait to share the messy details when I return. For now let me say that surprises are where you least expect them and where your gut always did.

Also, sometimes all you need is a dead nazi in the right direction ;)

Crumbling like pastries

Can we please take a hour minute to focus on how yummy (yes, I just said that) Danell Leyva is? I know, I know, you've probably read a thousand and one tweets about it from other people.  Or you've heard about him from anyone following the Olympics.  I, am not following persé, unless you count the pictures of Danell that I've been stalking.  Can I call you Danell, or should I say Mr. Leyva?  Better yet, how awesome would our names work together.  Mrs. Laura Leyva, we all like alliteration.  If only he was twenty-five years young instead of twenty...ahhh, a girl can drool dream.

Yum-O

My PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is back.  The trauma being last school year.  Okay, I'm being a tad bit dramatic here.  But, I seriously had nightmares about my students post-the last week of school for two weeks straight.  The dreams are back now that we are getting closer and closer to the new school year.

Enough of the lightheartedness, the truth is that I had a really difficult time last year.  I struggled to adjust to my new life in Louisiana.  I went through a huge transitional change.  I think I even lost a part of me last year.  I am not sure what to atribute that loss to.  Somehow, someway, I found myself again this summer.  I have remembered the things that make me happy such as: reading, blogging, talking to my best friends, traveling, being in Texas, my family, exercise, music, yoga.  

Teach For America was something that I wanted since I can remember (I had a teacher from the corps fifth & sixth grade).  I have also wanted to be a therapist for as long as I can remember, but Teach For America was a service I wanted to fulfill before graduate school.  Being accepted as a part of this prestigious program was one of the most exciting opportunities that ever came to me.  I was so dedicated to it's mission that I was willing to go anywhere, for me this service was about the children, their education, and social justice, not about where I did it.  I was placed in Southern Louisiana (but technically central).  I was in a very rural  Parish with about fifteen other corps members, one of which would be at my school.  I made the choice to live alone in a two bedroom apartment.  I was on my own, for the first time.  Truly on my own.  The "hub" city for my regional placement was Baton Rouge (a 2 hour drive from my rural placement).  I had a boyfriend at the time who had somewhat agreed to the long-distance relationship from Austin, Texas.  I say somewhat, because he never assured me that our relationship would last, I just took a leap hoping that he would believe in the relationship as I did.  

I do not think I have ever had as much anxiety and stress as I did during my first year in Louisiana.  A lot of this was due to teaching and the rest was due to my loneliness.  I look back being in the emotional state I am now and think about how much I cried last year.  I think I cried almost every day in September, and the crying decreased as the months went by and teaching got easier for me.  Last year was the most crying I'd ever done in my life.  Two of my best girlfriends came to visit me in October and it was so incredibly hard to let them go when they left (literally).  I cried, and cried, and cried.  I felt...unhappy.  My world was essentially focused on: teaching, teaching, teaching, certification meetings, my boyfriend, my boyfriend, making my boyfriend happy, and teaching again.  I completely forgot to have fun, make new friends, and fix what I didn't like.  

I am not attributing all of my struggles to my relationship, but I think a great part of it was due to it.  My relationship began to get rocky last October, and that was when my boyfriend broke up with me the first time.  I thought I had done something wrong and it was all my fault.  I then refocused so much more of my energy on that relationship.  On "fixing" it.  On loving better.  On being better for him.  I think that by attempting to "fix me" I began to break.  

Throughout all of this I attempted to maintain a "happy" front.  People like me don't show their emotions on their sleeve unless those emotions are full of rainbows and sunshine.  "I choose to be happy", I would say to myself.   The truth is that you can only choose to be happy so much, before you real emotions start seeping through.  By April of 2012 I was better in some ways, but I reached an emotional breakdown on my spring break when I went to see my boyfriend in Houston, Texas.  Somehow, I don't know how, but I the most rash decision I never thought I would be making.  I chose to leave my commitment with Teach For America. My boyfriend supported this decision.  The organization I had loved for so long, and dedicated so much of my time to, all of a sudden meant nothing.  I thought I felt happy (I could leave Louisiana after all!), but there was a huge uncertainty behind it.  A new job, a new place to live.  Immediately my boyfriend began to plan out my life for me by setting up possible jobs, and ideas, and connections, and people.  It was too much.  I think somewhere in the midst of it all I realized that Teach For America wasn't a mask I could take off.  I still felt empty.  

After talking to my Teach For America mentor about my decision and lots of thinking, I made the decision to fulfill my two year commitment and stay.  To this person, thank you for talking sense into me.  I know it's your job, but I needed someone to tell me the things you told me that day.  

I think you know what happened after that.  I finished the school year happy as a clam.  Among all of my uncertainties, I was certain of one thing: Teach For America.  My relationship went downhill as you may recall, and through all of the feelings, and emotionally draining conversations, I'm happy.  I feel like myself again.  Like I said, I'm not sure what to attribute the last year to, but I'm finally back.

Here I am.  Soon to be starting my second year of teaching, afraid as ever.  I hate to say it, but I have such ill-feelings associated with the state of Louisiana, because of last year.  So many of those feelings come back to me as I think about teaching again.  Behind all of the excitement that I am feeling and the positive thoughts I want to be having is fear.  I am afraid of having a horrible time.  I am scared of crying every day in September.  I don't want to pretend, I want to be the best teacher I can be for my students.  I want to have fun, and I want to build all of the relationships I didn't last year.  

My best advice I can give myself is to stop being afraid.  Bring back the positive thoughts and replace them with all that could go wrong.  (Okay, yeah I got it from pinterest, so what?)  I plan to be moving in with three fellow corps members across the street from four other lovely girls.  I hope the eight of us can have a tight knit community in our little rural parish.  I want to see friends in Baton Rouge more, travel often, and just love being me.  Here's to pushing fear aside, a year of minimal crying, untied stomach knots, and letting go.  Will you?

P.S.  Thank you to my sweet Leigh for sending me this, my inspiration for the title of this post.  

My LOVEly Brain

Excuse the changes currently occurring on my blog.  I'm changing some things around to make it easier to navigate and more aesthetically pleasing as well.  There will be more links at the top in a couple of days.  Not all the links are ready yet, so please bear with me.  I'll be working on FAQ, About Me, etc. so that it can be ready soon enough.

For now, let's talk about the brain.  Ah yes, that beautiful piece of grey matter that fills our skull.  I love learning about the human brain, I can geek out about it at any given moment.  My favorite class in college was a learning and cognition class that focused on the human brain.   I now have a guilty pleasure for buying books and reading articles in my spare time on the noggin'.  Two books that I must recommend to y'all are the following:

These are absolutely fascinating and are written in a non-textbook format, so you won't feel like you are reading for class or anything.  I love that they are organized into chapters such as: the teenage brain, the daddy brain, the mommy brain, etc.  There are no crazy terms in there (well, maybe some) and Dr. Brizendine does an awesome job explaining things.

So why all this talk about the brain you ask?  I was thinking about how well I've been doing since my breakup and it made me ask myself, "Why? Should't I be feeling different? Worse, perhaps?" I don't think anything is wrong with me, and believe me, I am extremely thankful for being a great place in my life right now.  All of these questions and feelings are what brought my attention to love and the human brain.  You see, according to my previous knowledge there are three main types of love:

1. Eros Love - also known as erotic love.  These are those crazy, love-at-first-sight, honey moon stage, hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, so call me maybe-love.  It is said that this isn't true love, and unless you get through hardships and sacrifices then it can be long-lasting.  It is completely natural to begin a relationship with Eros.  
2.  Philios Love - is the friends before relationship kind of love.  These relationships tend to last longer because of the strong bond you have already established prior to the romance.  There is a definite give and take expectation with Philios love.  
3. Agape Love - the ideal love, it is unconditional love.  Agape love is completely selfless, one can be hurt or insulted and still love at the end.  With Agape you love another without seeking anything in return and it is said to be completely spiritual.  

If asked I would say that with my last relationship there wasn't an Eros feeling on my behalf, and to be truthful I don't think I ever had it.  I wouldn't say this is necessarily a bad thing, but rather love grew from a friendship and from qualities that I found extremely attractive in this person.  I think that my brain wanted the Philios love, but got confused when this boy decided to skip the friend zone and immediately show physical signs of attraction to me.  So, even though I didn't have Eros, but there was a friendship prior to our relationship we ended up somewhere in a limbo between love types 1 and 2.  

Here is where things shifted.  At the start of our relationship I would say that we were both in a "give and take" stage, and to a certain extent we do expect something in return from our romantic partner.  Otherwise we become emotionally exhausted and lose a sense of our worth.  If I do this, then I expect this.  We were definitely in this stage for awhile, but had different interpretations for "doing" (cue the love languages), but that is for another time my friends.  It wasn't until about a year into our relationship that I consciously began to change, I didn't want to lose this person that I had grown to love.  I wanted to love him the very best that I could.  I think this is when I slowly transitioned into the Agape stage.  I must say that prior to this, he had already started his journey towards this selfless love, but began to refrain from it when it became emotionally exhausting for him.  

I began to dedicate so much of myself to bettering the way that I loved him.  Would this make him happy?  If I do this will I hurt his feelings?  I should go do this for him, but I don't expect him to do the same for me anymore.  Parts of this were healthy, and I was truly trying to love as best as I knew how with every particle of my being...until it wasn't anymore.  It became about giving so much of myself, and loving despite pain and suffering.  You could see how this could be healthy, if it was a two-way street.  I was on a one-way road at this point, with faded street signs and pot holes everywhere.  He was in Philios and I was in Agape (or attempting to).  

No one is a victim here, especially not me, and I really hope that is not how this reflection comes across.  I am simply analyzing what I learn as I process through this break up.  In a recent study (source) it was found that the same part of the brain is activated when you experience rejection from love and when you are physically burned.  When you experience heart break you are burned emotionally, isn't that fascinating?  It is also said in this study that feelings of romantic love and rejection are associated with biology.  In other words, there is a link between love and the biological need to pass on our genes.  Our brains do crazy things, such as causing extreme emotional pain when experiencing rejection from a person we may have identified as a potential mate.  

In a nutshell: love is truly complicated.  

After analyzing and over analyzing my relationship in the past couple of paragraphs, the best thing I can say to move forward is this: 

While I truly felt love for this person and had feelings of being "in love," biology may be preventing my brain from experiencing extreme emotional pain and it may just be my biological needs whispering "get over it!" to my brain.  

"Fear is the enemy of love"

This is written for you.  
For the person inside you who is scared.
I know who you are, and as you read this I hope that you know that I am aware of your fear.
That it belongs to you.
You are much too far for me to reach out and take it away, and even if I could, fear is not something I can grasp with my bare hands and tear apart.

I wish it was like that, though.  Easy to tear, like small fibers that shred to little pieces and can be aggressively destroyed.  But, it's not. It's much more complex than that, stronger than fibers, stronger than wood, and similar to those tiny weeds that keep popping up in the front yard.  Those obnoxious ones that ruin the aesthetically pleasing uniformity of the sidewalk.

You're not alone though, at least we now know that we harbor at least one of the same feelings.  Does it not kill you though, knowing that because we keep avoiding the obvious we are only nurturing this four letter word (and not the better of the two)?  We are giving it strength, making our minds think it is stronger than us.  After all the time that has passed between us...through boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends, new friends, here we are...

Here we are.  Fear has kept us captive, prisoners, lying to us.  It is winning and we are losing.  Losing something in the process, losing the ability to embrace the unknown.  It is keeping us from questioning the impossible.

Is this the greatest fear of your life, because it is the greatest in mine? It always has been, even when I've chosen to ignore it and let the years go by.  I only found that by ignoring it for years I only gave it shelter.  The fear kept me from simply speaking to you, I think it did the same to you too.

If our eyes could speak, than a thousand words would have been exchanged.  If our eyes could speak, fear would be defeated.  It may be difficult to face this fear alone, but we are two.  Together we can look fear in the eye, and choose to forget about what makes sense.  We can choose.

So tonight, I ask you, to choose.

It took one sentence to inspire this letter.