"Expectation is the root of all heartache"

First things first.  Yes, I do realize that my previous post Entre Pairos y Derivas was a bit erratic and the word vulnerable doesn't even begin to describe the series of emotions I have gone through as a result.  Regrets? Absolutely not.  Expectations? Attempting not to make any.  After all Shakespeare did say, Expectation is the root of all heartache.  Don't worry, I plan to keep you all updated on the effects of it.  

I'd like to give you all a rundown of some blogs that inspire me.  Something that really matters to bloggers is having their message spread.  Everyone wants to feel important and worthwhile.  So, I encourage you to take a click at some of the blogs that I read regularly.  Some are extremely successful, meaning some of these women actually blog for a living  (AHH DREAM JOB!!).  Others are just trying to share their story.  All, however are worthwhile because everyone has something new to teach us if we are willing to learn.  I do ask that you help spread the word about these blogs.  Even if they are super successful blogs like P-Dubs they could always use more readers.  Simply forward it to your best friend if you enjoyed what you read, post a link on Twitter, Facebook, or even your own blog.  If you have a blog, I'd love to read what you have to share so leave me a comment and I promise I will visit often! 

The blog roll: 

Healthy Tipping Point because this is the first blog that I fell in love with.  I am a devoted reader and it sounds silly, but I feel like I know Caitlin personally because of it.  Caitlin is a 27 year old living in North Carolina and a brand new momma! She inspires me to live a healthy life by taking small steps to wards an amazing YOU.  Love you HTP! 

Operation Beautiful is the reason that I found Healthy Tipping Point in the first place. I remember stumbling upon this website in college when I was trying to figure out a wellness program (I was an RA) to put on for the residents of a female residence hall.  I was inspired by the Operation Beautiful movement whose mission is to post anonymous notes of encouragement and positivity in public places for other people to find.  It's awesome! If you have found an Operation Beautiful note before, please comment.  Better yet, tell Caitlin at operationbeautiful@gmail.com 

Young House Love  This is a great blog for the lover of DIY or HGTV(I kid).  But, really, John and Sherry are the cutest couple and give their house the same amount of love that they hopefully ;) give each other.  It's wonderful to read and full of home inspiration.  My favorite is their projects page to browse through when I'm in need of something to do pin.  

Katy Loves She just seems so genuine and sweet.  A true woman of God.  Always positive and always sweet and always sharing what others are doing.  

The Girls with Glasses This is the fashion blog I read.  Summer Bellessa and Brooke White tend to post short, sweet, and to the point videos with awesome fashion/makeup/life advice.  There are not always videos, although they are my favorite.  They are two gorgeous girl with a great sense of style. 

Yuppie Yogini Although Nicole doesn't post often, I still check back to find her next post.  More than anything she makes me laugh with her quirky opinions.  She is also a practicing therapist (DREAM JOB again).  

Kath Eats Real Food I love Kath! I know, I know, I don't really KNOW her, but still.  She is a registered dietitian who inspires other through her successful weight loss, and her eating of REAL food.  She is also expecting a baby so you can find her mommy-to-be journey there as well.  

Taking Back My Twenties Laura is Kath's younger sister and I relate a lot to her journey.  I recently found her blog and love reading about the beer she drinks (beer snob, like me) and about her recent engagement! Oh, and we have the same name :) 

Lisa Lupo Photography Lisa is an old friend from high school.  Even though I haven't seen her in years, I'm sure she's just as I remember her.  Easy to be around, funny, goofy, and talented.  Lisa is a newly wed living in the Seattle, Washington area.  Although Lisa studied Anthropology in college she is taking over the world with her amazing talent for taking beautiful photographs.  I would definitely hire her!  Her blog documents her learnings as a new photographer with snippets about her life.  

Lauren Noelle is one of my lovely friends from college.  I read her blog regularly because it is my way of keeping in touch with her.  Lauren has been writing about her post-grad life and her coming-of-age process as she discovers so much about what she wants and the woman she is becoming.  

The Forever Optimist is about my BFF Sarah.  No one in the world is as caring, genuine, funny, down-to-earth-real, and lovely as she is.  She is also a terrific writer.  She has once again found her inspiration and is on quite a journey.  Go join her! 

The Pioneer Woman of course! Rhee Drummond is an inspiration to all women.  She is your country-gal next door.  Amazing recipes, photography, fun quizzes, and absolutely HILARIOUS.  P-Dubs will change your life.   

Epicurean Vixen a blog about food in Austin, TX (best city in Texas).  My friend Karen is such a foodie and is the best food critic.  

Musings From The Law is one of my best friends from college.  She is like a sister to me.  She is also a consistent blogger and a writer.  I am so proud of all that she has done.  You can currently read about her experience in Chile.    

I sure hope I didn't leave any out, but I probably did.  I come across so many blogs, but the ones I picked are the ones I read on a regular basis.  Even religiously with some.  

What about you, what blogs do you read? 

I will leave y'all with the following song.  This is my theme song for the summer of 2012.  I know it's in portuguese it is brazilian after all, but promise you'll give it a chance :) 

Michel Télo - Ai Se Eu Te Pego 

Entre Pairos y Derivas

As much as I think this is a summer of change, some things never do.  This was made evident on Saturday night.  I will have to go back approximately nine years to do my story justice.  You see, almost nine years ago the summer before my first year of high school I fell in love.  Now...don't go away, you're probably tempted after reading that line.  Stay...stay...hope I convinced you there ;)
Yes, it sounds crazy, because it was.  I didn't realize it was love at the time and believe me, it took me a good four to five years of denial to even call it love.  


This boy made me believe in love at first sight (cliche, I know, but I promise it happens).  He is someone who can make laugh at the drop of a hat (God knows I have the worst sense of humor).  Someone who's eyes I cannot resist for anything.  Someone who has spoken some of the most genuine words I've ever heard.  Someone who, almost nine years later still gives me butterflies at the pit of my stomach.  Someone who I can hold a stare with forever, not because I'm a creeper, but because my eyes cannot help themselves.  Nine years.  Nine years have passed and last night we encountered each other again.  


(Side note: throughout these nine years there have been previous encounters and we have kept in touch in some way, shape, or form. )


Last night our eyes met after several years and he came over with a smile to greet me (in true Latin culture fashion) with a kiss on the cheek.  To my embarrassment I found myself holding his cheek as he pressed his against mine and the rest was a blur.  The truth is that I don't think either one of us knew how to react to one another.  There I was taking sips of Dos Equis to build up the courage to dance with him.  What are you supposed to do when the person you fell for at the age of thirteen is giving you the same feelings now that you're a grown woman?!  After several stares back and forth I thank God for the group dance as he moseyed over stood by me and began to speak.  Small talk and jokes mostly. It's difficult to express how I feel when I'm around him.  I feel absolutely beautiful, beaming, like a light radiates inside and everyone takes notice. (Why yes,  I realize how dramatic that sounds after reading it)    As much as I knew that this encounter of ours would only last a couple of hours it didn't make it any less exciting.  To be honest, all I could think about was kissing him.


I've spent too many years asking the what if and we had nothing to lose.  I was so afraid, but of what?!   Scared that he would reject my carefree offer, that after nine years he felt absolutely nothing.  Afraid he would say he had a girlfriend (although I'm fairly certain he currently does not).  With many stares back and forth, back and forth, shaking of heads, and unspoken words, the night ended.  Stares that said a thousand words and yet I wish I could say what they were.  I came home and cannot stop thinking about him (naturally).  


What my point is, and what I have been contemplating about this encounter is this: will I find someone who will make me feel the way that he does?  Should we settle for mediocre when it is just a waste of time.  There are too many mediocre things in life and love should be mad, passionate, and extraordinary, right?  I don't necessarily believe in coincidences and while part of me wants to say it was a coincidence running into him again I think I was supposed to learn something from it.  The question is, what?


Why bring back these incredible feelings that I have only ever had with him?  Why, if he lives in another country?  Why? WHY?!  It just kills me.  Am I supposed to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel this way?   Or am I supposed to realize I won't ever feel this way about anyone else  and live with the fact that he's out there?  As a rational person who is not idealistic, I am aware of all the cynical and even the realistic answers, and it just all seems like...well, bullshit.  


I trust God and why I ened up in certain situations, I just ask for the patience and perseverance to understand this.  And, finally.  To the boy (now man) who changed my life nine years ago: if you're reading this, "por los mares de mi vida, hoy me veo siempre bogando a ti." 

Una canción que me regresa a ti.  Translate if you must, but this man is truly poetic.  

Recap: Summer 2012

This summer is one of change.   It's in the air, I can feel it and I can almost smell it.  I am writing about my process of becoming as I figure things out in my twenties.  This is the summer I will turn twenty-three.  This is my first summer out of college.  My first summer earning a real income .  A lot is different already, my summer began embracing change immediately.  


My boyfriend of my first real relationship since high school broke up with me approximately three days into my summer vacation.  It had been about a year and half and when you begin to seriously date someone for that long you begin to build your life around them.  The decisions you make for your future like whether you will see your family or your boyfriend for your next break (we were long distance btw).  Whether to apply to graduate school, and if so whether there would be a program in Austin where I could be with him? Will I change my religion?  Something that has been such an important part of me as a woman of God.  My religion became really true to me in college and I was always a faithful catholic and felt sure of myself within the catholic church.  


This relationship opened up the question of a new religious denomination.  This was a no brainer at the start and my answer, "ABSOLUTELY NOT HAPPENING."  There were no doubts, not one hesitation about ever changing.  It's funny what love can do to you as you begin to love someone so much that you begin to change yourself.  I began to consider a change in my religion for someone else, I know that if it happened it was because I was going to marry him.  I'm still unsure of this is acceptable if it is in the name of love.  But some changes were learning experiences for which I am humbled and grateful for.  I became more selfless and learned how to work incredibly hard to understand someone else.  I worked hard to get through the hard times we faced.  I kept wanting to improve who I was and if there was something that I was doing wrong or if I wasn't being a considerate enough person then I wanted to change.  


To this person: I am so, so thankful for all I have learned about myself and about what it means to love somebody else. I can safely say that I loved as best as I knew how and know that I can bring my becomings to a new relationship.  I do feel broken.  As anyone who goes through a break up does, especially when you began to think they were your forever and always.  As broken as I am though, I am also free.  I feel no anger or bitterness inside me.  I feel so much love in my heart and I feel truly hopeful.  I'm not sure what these feelings mean yet, but I will figure it out.  You move on, you move forward, you learn, and you give thanks because regrets are nonexistent when it comes to love.  

I leave you with an incredible song by Dave Matthews Band.  Listen to the lyrics if you can.